The Dirty Dozens Teen Tournament
by James Doyle
Summary: Several Disney Channel characters, as well as other sitcom characters, compete in a highly unusual and supremely irreverent game show. Based on a sketch from In Living Color.
1. Game One: Alex, Miley, Cory

**The Dirty Dozens Teen Tournament**

**By**

**James Doyle**

"And we're on in five, four, three..." directed the stage director, signaling two and one silently.

"This...is...The Dirty Dozens Teen Tournament," announced the announcer as the theme music played. "Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome into our studio today's contestants."

"A junior at Tribeca Prep in New York City, please welcome, Alex Russo," introduced the announcer as a tall, slender, fashionable Hispanic young woman danced onto the stage, shaking her hips and holding her hands in the air.

"A junior at Seaview High in Malibu, California, originally from Crowley Corners, Tennessee, please welcome, Miley Stewart," introduced the announcer as a tall, curvy brunette walked onto the stage, alternately waving and blowing kisses.

"And finally, a sophomore at Washington Prep in Washington, D.C., originally from San Francisco, California, please welcome Cory Baxter," introduced the announcer as a pudgy, bald-shaven African-American young man ran out onto the stage.

"And now, ladies and gentlemen," concluded the announcer as the host ran out onto the stage. "The host of The Dirty Dozens, Stu Dunfy!"

"Thank you," began Stu with a salute to the audience, "And welcome to The Dirty Dozens, where talkin' trash can get you cash, and you'll strike it rich if your mom's a stank bitch. How's everybody doing tonight?"

The audience and the contestants cheered.

"Let's have a look at tonight's categories," narrated Stu as the board lit up each category in turn. "'Yo mama's so fat'...'Yo mama's so stupid'...'Yo mama's so hairy'...and 'Pot Luck'. Miley, you won the dice roll, so you have control of the board."

"I'll take 'Mama's so stupid' for a hundred, Stu," requested Miley.

"Yo mama's so stupid...." prompted Stu, at which point Cory rang in.

"Cory," acknowledged Stu.

"Yeah, yo mama's so stupid, she thought _Hunchback of Notre Dame _was a football movie," dissed Cory.

"Judges?" asked Stu, at which point they awarded Cory the points.

"Cory, you have control of the board," noted Stu.

"I'll take 'Yo mama so fat' for a hundred, Stu," requested Cory.

"New category," said Stu. "Yo mama so fat..."

Alex rang in. "Your mama's so fat, she has to take the B, C, D, _and _F trains to get uptown."

A ringing sound indicated that Alex had won the points.

"I'll take 'Pot Luck' for a hundred, Stu," requested Alex.

"Wild card category," indicated Stu. "'Yo mama's so stank..."

Miley rang in.

"Miley," acknowledged Stu.

"Your mama's so stank, she has to use five different brands of perfume," ventured Miley.

"Judges?" deferred Stu, answered immediately by a buzzing noise.

"I'm sorry, Miley," regretted Stu. "We can't accept that. Anyone else?"

Alex rang in. "Your mama's so stank, she turned Ivory soap ebony."

"Ooh, burn!" acknowledged Stu as Alex got the points. "Alex, you have the board."

"I'll talk 'Pot Luck' for two-hundred, Stu," requested Alex.

"Yo mama so skinny..." prompted Stu.

Miley rang in immediately. "Your mama's so skinny, she wears a promise ring for an anklet."

"And Miley's in the game!" exclaimed Stu as the judges awarded Miley her points. "And you have control of the board."

"I'll take 'hairy' for a hundred, Stu," requested Miley.

"New category," noted Stu. "'Yo mama so hairy...Miley."

"Your mama's so hairy, she shaves with John Deere," dissed Miley, earning her another hundred points.

"Ooh, looks like Miley's rollin' with the homies," quipped Stu.

"Trust me," explained Miley. "If you met my Aunt Pearl, you'd understand."

Stu nodded. "Miley, you have control of the board."

"I'll take 'fat' for two-hundred," requested Miley.

"Yo mama so fat..." read Stu, prompting Cory to punch in.

"Cory," acknowledged Stu.

"Yo mama's so fat, she had her portrait done by Rand McNally," dissed Cory.

"And Cory ties it up," observed Stu.

"I will take 'fat' for three-hundred, Stu," requested Cory.

"For three hundred, and the game," said Stu. "Yo mama so fat..."

Alex buzzed in. "Your mama's so fat, her ass is on 110th Street when her belly button is in Central Park."

"And that's the end of the round!" announced Stu. "Alex will compete in the championship round on Thursday. Miley and Cory are tied at three-hundred, which means they'll go into sudden death to compete for a spot in our runners-up round on Friday."

At that point, a mannequin dangling from a wire came down from the ceiling.

"And now, for our Sudden Death round," elaborated Stu, "We have a little something we like to call 'Hit or Dis.' Our contestants will be given a paint-stick, then blindfolded at spun around before taking a whack at our dis dummy. Whatever body part they hit first is where they have to direct their dis. Two minutes on the clock; whoever gets the most wins. Cory, you were up last, so you'll go first."

An attractive extra blindfolded Cory, then spun him around. He stumbled his way toward the dummy, and whacked it squarely on the buttocks.

"Butt dis for Cory," declared Stu.

"Okay, okay," pondered Cory before answering. "Yo mama's butt so big, she can clear the room by shaking her booty."

When Miley's turn came, she aim high and whacked the dummy on the boobs.

"Boob dis!" declared Stu.

"Your mama's so flat, she can wear a tube sock for a tube top," dissed Miley.

"One all," announced Stu.

Cory tried to aim high, but the dummy bounced and just the wrong moment, and he it on the feet.

"Cory, let's have a foot dis," said Stu.

"Yeah, um..." said Cory, struggling a bit. "Yo mama's feet so stank, she need a HAZMAT team when she throw out her old shoes."

"Judges?" prompted Stu, at which point the judges declined Cory's dis.

"I'm sorry, we can't accept that," regretted Stu. "Miley."

Miley aimed high once again, and hit the dummy on the nose.

"Nose dis for the game!" said Stu.

"Your mama..." said Miley, hesitating for a moment. "Your mama's nose is so big, she can sit in Nashville and smell the reefer in Chicago."

"Do we have time for one more dis from Cory?" Stu asked rhetorically.

Just as the hostess began spinning Cory up, the buzzer rang.

"And that's the end of our sudden death round," announced Stu. "Miley will advance to our runners-up round on Friday."

Stu then turned to shake Cory's hand.

"Cory, I'm sorry," lamented Stu, "You just couldn't dis, and now you're dismissed."

Cory reluctantly accepted the handshake before storming off the stage.

"That's all the time we have for tonight," announced Stu. "Be sure and join us tomorrow for our next set of teenage trash-talkers in The Dirty Dozens Teen Tournament. Peace out, everybody!"

**End of Game**

_This story was based upon the recurring segment _The Dirty Dozens _from the sketch-comedy show _In Living Color. _Stu Dunfy was played by Nick Bakay, best known as the voice of Salem Saberhagen from _Sabrina, the Teenage Witch.

_I wrote this just for fun after indulging in some nostalgia on YouTube. Let me know if you like it, and if you'd like me to write the rest of the tournament._


	2. Game Two: Nia, Bailey, Sam

**The Dirty Dozens Teen Tournament**

**By**

**James Doyle**

Game 2

"This...is...The Dirty Dozens Teen Tournament," announced the announcer to millions of anxious fans around the world. "Now entering the studio are tonight's contestants."

"A senior at Cheevers High School in Boston, Mass, originally from Atlanta, Georgia, please welcome Nia Moseby," introduced the announcer as a short-but-buxom African-American woman strutted across the stage without a care in the world.

"A junior in the Seven Seas High program aboard the fabulous _S.S. Tipton_, originally from Kettlecorn, Kansas, please welcome Bailey Pickett," introduced the announcer as a plainly-dressed, naturally attractive young woman with light brown hair made her way across the stage, waving daintily.

"And finally, a sophomore at Ridgeway High School in Seattle, Washington, please welcome Sam Puckett," introduced the announcer as a petite but muscular blond girl in a hoodie made her way across the stage, waving her arms in the air like a prizefighter.

"And now ladies and gentlemen," concluded the announcer as the host ran out onto the stage. "The host of The Dirty Dozens, Stu Dunfy!"

"Thank you," began Stu as he greeted the crowd with his usual salute, "And welcome to The Dirty Dozens, where talkin' trash can get you cash, and there ain't no kissin', just a whole lotta dissin'. Let's have a look at our categories."

Stu narrated as the board lit up the categories.

"'Yo mama so skinny'...'Yo mama so ugly'...'Yo mama so old'...and 'Starts with S.' Bailey, you won the dice roll, so you have control of the board."

"I'll take 'old' for one hundred, Stu," requested the raspy-voiced country girl.

"Yo mama so old..." prompted Stu. "Bailey."

"Your mama's so old, Jason and the argonauts threw her overboard," attempted Bailey.

"Judges?" requested Stu, prompting a buzzer. "I'm sorry, that's incorrect. Anyone else?"

Sam rang in.

"Go for it Sam," encourage Stu.

"Your mama's so old, she's still picking the Donner Party out of her teeth," dissed Sam.

"That's a little disturbing," Stu said awkwardly. "But it puts you in the game, and gives you control over the board."

"I'll take 'mama so skinny' for a hundred," requested Sam.

"Yo mama so skinny..." prompted Stu. "Nia."

"Yo mama so skinny, when she got locked out the house, she crawled in through the garden hose," responded Nia.

"And Nia ties it up!" noted Stu. "Pick another one."

"I'll take 'mama so ugly' for a hundred, Stu," picked Nia.

"New category. Yo mama so ugly..."

Bailey rang in.

"Your mama's so ugly, whenever I need fertilizer, I just show her picture to my cows," dissed Bailey.

"Bailey's in the game, and we have a three-way tie," declared Stu. "Pick a category."

"I will take...'mama's so old' for two hundred," requested Bailey.

"Yo mama so old..." prompted Stu.

Bailey rang in. "Your mama's so old, she went to the circus on her first date...the Roman circus."

"Judges?" requested Stu. The judges declined. "I'm sorry Bailey, that's just too obscure."

Nia rang in. "Yo mama so old, she went to the prom with Fred Flintstone."

"And Nia takes the lead with three hundred," announced Stu. "Nia, you're in control."

"I will take 'Ugly' for two hundred, Stu," requested Nia.

"Yo mama so ugly..." read Stu. "Bailey."

Bailey turned and directed her dis at Sam. "Your mama's so ugly, she could make a MAGLEV train take a dirt road."

"Oh, you did not just..." began Sam, only to be interrupted by the buzzer.

"And that's the end of the round," announced Stu.

"Oh no it's not!" yelled Sam as she lunged at Bailey, only to be restrained by a pair of muscular security guards.

"This isn't [expletive] over you [expletive] [expletive]piece of [expletive][expletive][expletive]. I'm gonna [expletive] your liver, and shove up it your [expletive][expletive][expletive]!" screamed Sam as she struggled against the guards who were hauling her off-stage.

"Ooh, somebody's a sore loser!" commented Stu. "Anyway, that's the end of regulation play. It's time for our sudden death round. The winner will compete as a finalist in our championship round on Thursday, and the loser will compete in our runners-up round on Friday. Bailey, Nia, since it's the two of you, we'd like to introduced an old friend of yours, who's been sitting in a soundproof booth this whole time. He doesn't know why he's here, but he's about to find out. Ladies and gentlemen, Arwin Hawkhauser!"

The audience cheered as the stage hands wheeled the balding, bespectacled, thirty-something maintenance engineer of the Boston Tipton, strapped to his chair, and with a cuff around his upper arm.

"Oh hi, guys," greeted Arwin. "Is this some sort of game show?"

"Yes, it is," confirmed Stu. "Now Arwin has only had one cup of coffee today, and he's been watching his favorite cartoons, so he's nice and calm right now. But that's about to change. You see, Arwin loves his mother dearly, and can't stand to hear her dissed. So we've hooked him up to this blood-pressure monitor. You'll each take turns trash-talking Arwin's mama; dozens in any category are acceptable. The first one to make him go red-line wins. Are you ready?"

"I guess," Bailey said sheepishly.

"Ain't no thang," Nia said nonchalantly.

"Bailey, since you finished the round, you'll go first," said Stu. "Ready...set..._dis!"_

"Um..." said Bailey. "Um...your mama's so dumb, she gave a pop can a pep-talk because it said 'Contents Under Pressure.'"

"It's okay," said Arwin. "I can take it."

"Good one!" approved Stu.

"Please!" dismissed Nia. "Yo mama so skinny, she farted in Boston and it blew her all the way to Providence."

"Not a problem," assured Arwin. "I know you don't mean it."

"You're mama's so sweaty, she strolled through Kettlecorn and ended the drought," dissed Bailey.

"Hey, that's not fair!" protested Arwin. "She has a hormone imbalance."

At that point, Arwin's heart rate and blood-pressure had risen noticeably.

"Yo mama so greasy," dissed Nia, "J.R. Ewing got a lease on her."

"Funky!" approved Stu.

"Okay, I think that's enough," said Arwin as his BP increased yet again.

"Your mama's so poor, she takes stock tips from Oliver Twist," dissed Bailey.

"A little obscure, but it did get a rise out of him," observed Stu.

"That's a damn lie!" defended Arwin. "I work hard to support my mother!"

That last one almost put Arwin over the line, but not quite, setting Nia up for the win.

"Yo mama so fat, she fell in Niagara Gorge and stopped up the Falls," said Nia, delivering the Coup de Grace.

"That's it!" cried Arwin, setting off the blood-pressure alarms as he tore of his restraints and took off after Nia. "I'm kicking your ass into the next eon!"

"And we have a winner!" declared Stu. "Bailey, you'll be competing this Friday in our runners-up round. That is, unless Arwin manages to catch Nia, in which case you'll be competing in our championship round."

Bailey giggled, feeling oddly proud of her impugning prowess.

"That's our show for today," concluded Stu. "Join us tomorrow night for our next set of sophomoric smart-alecs. Until then, word to your mother!"

**End of Game Two**

_No, I didn't forget the "Mystery Dis." It's a visual thing that's impossible to convey in a textual medium. This story will cover one week of shows, so three chapters after this. No more; no less. Stay tuned!_


	3. Game Three: Rico, Edwin, Max

**The Dirty Dozens Teen Tournament**

**By**

**James Doyle**

Game 3

"This...is...The Dirty Dozens Teen Tournament. Now entering the studio are today's contestants..."

"A junior at Seaview High School in Malibu, California, please welcome, _Rrrrrrrrico_ Suave," announced the announcer as a diminutive Latin young man with sleazy grin on his face walked across the stage, stopping to throw his fist in the air and greet the crowd with a "Hey-O!"

"A freshman at Sir John Sparrow Thompson High in London, Ontario, please welcome, Edwin Venturi," introduced the announcer as curly-haired young man of Italian descent made his way across the stage wearing a goofy grin.

"And finally, a senior at Kennedy High School in Lose Angeles, California, please welcome Max Lopez," introduced the announcer as a taller Latin young man clad in a Powers Brothers Aviation golf shirt made his way across the stage.

"Ladies and gentlemen," concluded the announcer, "Please welcome the host of The Dirty Dozens, Stu Dunfy!"

Stu greeted the audience with a salute as per his custom.

"Hello, what up, and welcome to The Dirty Dozens," greeted Stu, "Where talkin' trash can get you cash, and the one who brings the burns, earns. How's everybody tonight?"

The audience and the contestants cheered.

"Great, great," continued Stu. "Now, we had ourselves a battle of the shorties last night; now it's time for the homies to strut their stuff."

"I dunno, Stu," retorted Max, looking over at Rico. "Looks like we got a 'shorty' over here."

"Hey, you just watch it, dork!" threatened Rico.

"Whoa, whoa!" intervened Stu. "Save it for the disses! Now, let's have a look at tonight's categories."

The board lit up as Stu read off each category.

"'Yo mama so poor'...'Yo mama so funky'...'Yo mama so stupid'...and 'Hair'. Rico, you won the dice roll, so give us a category."

"I'll take hair for one hundred, Stu," requested Rico.

"Yo mama so bald..." prompted Stu. "Max."

"Yo mama so bald, she can scratch her head with a baby's butt," dissed Max.

"And Max starts off the game strong," noted Stu. "Max, you're in control."

"I will take poor for a hundred, please," requested Max.

"Yo mama so poor..." read Stu. "Rico."

"Your mama's so poor, she had to take out a thirty-year mortgage on a cardboard box," dissed Rico.

"And Rico's in the game!" declared Stu. "Rico, you're in control."

"Let's stick with 'poor', Stu," requested Rico.

"Word," acknowledge Stu. "'Yo mama so stupid...'"

Edwin rang in.

"Your mama's so poor, she had to raid all the chair cushions in the couch to buy a liter of petrol," ventured Edwin.

"Judges?" asked Stu, at which point the buzzer signaled a wrong answer. "I'm sorry, Edwin. All disses must use Imperial units. Anyone else?"

Max rang in. "Yo mama so poor, she uses a soup can for a piss pot."

"And Max takes the lead," announced Stu."Let's have a category."

"I'll take 'Hair' for two hundred, Stu," requested Max.

"'Yo mama so hairy...'" read Stu. "Rico."

"Yeah, your mama's so hairy, Indiana Jones couldn't find his way to her [expletive]," dissed Rico.

"Oh, that was nasty!" reviled Stu. "But the nastier, the better in this game. Rico, you're tied for the lead, and you have control."

"I'll take 'Stupid' for one hundred, Stu," requested Rico.

"Yo mama so stupid..." read Stu. "Edwin."

"Your mama's so stupid, she lost to London Tipton in a spelling bee," ventured Edwin.

"Judges?" asked Stu. The judges awarded the points. "Edwin, looks like you're in the game, and you have control of the board."

"Let's stick with 'Stupid', Stu," requested Edwin.

"As long as there's no puns about my name," replied Stu. "Yo mama so stupid..."

Edwin rang in. "Your mama's so stupid, she thought Z.Z. Top was as a shirt for women super-huge boobs."

"And that's the end of the round," announced Stu. "Ladies and gentlemen, we have an unprecedented three-way tie! The judges have determined that I will select a random dis. Whoever answers correctly will advance to our championship round. The other two will compete for a spot in our runners-up tournament. Gentlemen, are you ready?"

"Yeah," they all said in unison.

"Yo mama so fat..." prompted Stu.

Rico rang in. "Your mama's so fat, they build a Target on her left boob, and a Wal-Mart on her right."

"And Rico takes the game!" announced Stu. "Edwin and Max will be competing in our bonus round."

An attractive hostess brought out a pedestal topped with a large burlap bag.

"In our bonus round for the runners-up tournament, we'll be playing a little something we like to call the Devi's Grab-Bag," explained Stu. "You'll each take turns pulling random tchotchkes from our grab bag, and you'll base your dis on whatever item you pick. Sixty seconds on the clock; whoever has the last word wins. Edwin, you were up last, so you'll go first. Ready...set...dozen!"

Edwin reached into the bag and pulled out a jewelry box with a pair of earings.

"Okay," said Edwin. "Your mama's ears are so big, she picks up satellite radio."

"Funky!" approved Stu.

Max reached into the bag and pulled out a bra.

"Your mama's so flat, I tried doing it with her, but I just slid right off," quipped Max.

"Fresh!" commented Stu.

Edwin reached into the bag and produced a bike helmet.

"Oh, oh, your mama's like a rental bike: Everybody rides her!"

"Classic!" said Stu.

Max reached into the bag and pulled out a cane.

"Your mama's old, they made a movie about her class reunion: Jurassic Park!"

Edwin produced a bowling ball out of the bag.

"Your mama's so..." began Edwin, only to be interrupted by the buzzer.

"I'm sorry," regretted Stu. "You failed to complete the dis before time ran out. That makes Max our runner-up. Edwin, you can't talk the crap, so go home and take a nap."

Edwin stuck his nose in the air and walked off the stage.

"That's all we have for tonight," concluded Stu. "Join us tomorrow night for our championship round, where our finalists will be competing for a $25,000 college scholarship. Until next time, kick it old school fo' shizzle!"

**End of Game 3**

_Rico Suave is a main character on _Hannah Montana, _played by Moises Arias._

_Edwin Venturi was a regular character on _Life with Derek, _a Canadian sitcom that aired in the US on Disney Channel. He was played by Daniel Madger._

_Max Lopez was a regular character on the ABC comedy series _George Lopez. _He was played by Luis Armand Garcia. _

_Stay tuned for our championship round!_


	4. Championship Round

**The Dirty Dozens Teen Tournament**

**By**

**James Doyle**

Championship Round

"This...is...The Dirty Dozens Teen Tournament," announced the announcer. "Now entering the studio are our championship finalists."

"A junior at Seaview High School in Malibu, California," introduced the announcer as the Latin young man strutted across the stage, looking sharp in his business suit. "Please welcome _Rrrrrrico _Suave."

"A senior at Cheevers High School in Boston, Mass," introduced the announcer as the confident African-American young woman made her entrance. "Please welcome Nia Moseby."

"And finally, a junior at Tribeca Prep in New York City, please welcome Alex Russo," introduced the announcer as the stunning Latina made her way to her podium.

"Ladies and gentlemen," concluded the announcer, "The host of The Dirty Dozens, Stu Dunfy!"

Stu greeted the audience with a salute as usual.

"Thank you, thank you, thank you all," began Stu. "And welcome to The Dirty Dozens Teen Torunament: Championship Round, where talkin' trash can get you cash, and you'll get money for school, if you can out-dis that fool. Let's hear it for our finalists!"

The audience cheered uproariously.

"That's right, ladies and gentlemen," continued Stu. "These kids have dissed and dismissed their competition, and are going head to head tonight for a $25,000 college scholarship. Before we begin, let's get to know our contestants a bit. We'll start with Rico. Rico what do you like to do?"

"Well, let's see," answered Rico. "I like to read, play soccer, and make butt-loads of money."

"Well, you'll definitely get a chance to do that," said Stu. "And what would you do with your scholarship if you win?"

"I'm planning on going to Harvard and studying Business," revealed Rico, eliciting cheers from the audience. "But my college education is paid for, so I'm donating the money to the Southern California Latino College Fund."

"My main man's playing for charity," said Stu. "Give him a hand!"

After the audience finished cheering, Stu moved on to Nia.

"So Nia, what do you like to do?" asked Stu.

"Well, Stu," answered Nia. "On those rare occasions when I'm not working, I like shopping, and cheerleading."

"Wow, I wouldn't have expected that," reacted Stu.

"What, you think 'cause I talk big, I ain't got class?" Nia said indignantly.

"No, no!" backpedaled Stu. "Certainly wouldn't want to imply that. Now tell me, if you win, what will you do with your college money?"

"If possible, I'd like to go to Carnegie Mellon University and study Mechanical Engineering," revealed Nia.

"My, oh my, this girl is just full of surprises!" said Stu, turning his face to the camera, then moving on to Alex.

"So Alex, what do you like to do?" asked Stu.

"Well, Stu," answered Alex. "I like to paint, play pranks, and poke things with a stick. Only one of those is a marketable job skill, which is why I'm competing for college money."

"And how would you use that college money?" asked Stu.

"Win or lose, I plan to attend the New York Institute of Art," revealed Alex.

"Look out, folks!" said Stu. "We've got the next Andy Warhol with us tonight! So how about we play the dozens?"

The audience and contestants cheered in the affirmative.

"All right," began Stu. "Tonight's categories are all wild cards, with a wide sampling from our dozens pool to test our finalists' mad skills. The categories are: 'Body', 'Hygiene', 'Lifestyle', and 'Brain'. Alex, you scored the most points in the last round, so you have the board."

"I'll go with 'Brain' for one hundred, Stu," requested Alex.

"Yo mama so crazy..." prompted Stu. "Rico."

"Yo mama so crazy, she wears a chastity belt to keep Big Brother from looking up her butt-hole," dissed Rico.

"And Rico takes an early lead," declared Stu. "Give us another category, Rico."

"I'll take 'Hygiene' for a hundred," requested Rico.

"Yo mama so funky..." read Stu.

Nia rang in.

"Yeah, yo mama so funky, she scrubs with a jackhammer," insulted Nia.

"Nia ties it up," noted Stu. "Nia, you have control."

"I'll take 'Brain' for two hundred," requested Nia.

"Yo mama so stupid..."

Alex rang in. "Your mama's so stupid, she tried to snort Coca-Cola."

"Alex pulls out in front," commented Stu. "Take your pick, Alex."

"I'll take 'Hygiene' for two hundred, Stu," said Alex.

"Yo mama so stank..." prompted Stu. "Nia."

"Yo mama so stank, Samuel L. Jackson took a whiff of her and turned _white!_"

The audience cheered.

"Now that's some _stank!"_ reacted Stu. "Nia, you have the lead and control of the board."

"Let me have 'Body' for a hundred, Stu," indicated Nia.

"New category," noted Stu. "Yo mama so stacked..."

Rico rang in. "Yo mama so stacked, her under-wire bra's got bridge support cables."

"Rico ties for second and has control of the board," observed Stu.

"I'll take 'Body' for two hundred," picked Rico.

"Yo mama so skinny..." read Stu. "Alex."

"Your mama's so skinny, she base-jump off the Statue of Liberty with a Kleenex for a parachute."

"And Alex takes the pole position," announced Stu. "Alex, let's have a category."

Alex pondered for a moment. She knew there wasn't much time left in the round. She hesitated to select a three hundred-point category, as it could give either of her opponents the win, and two hundred had a good chance of either giving Nia the win or sending her and Rico into sudden death. However, she reckoned she'd rather face him in sudden death than Nia. In the end, she decided to go for broke.

"I'll take 'Body' for three hundred, Stu," requested Alex.

"For three hundred points _and _the scholarship," prompted Stu. "Yo mama so fat."

Alex rang in immediately.

"Alex...need an answer."

"Um..." she answered. "Your mama's so fat, she had her colonoscopy done by the Hubble Telescope."

"And she takes the pot with a dis for the history books!" exclaimed Stu. "Ladies and gentlemen, our Dirty Dozens Teen Champion, Miss Alex Russo!"

The crowd applauded uproariously.

"Nia, Rico, sorry to see you go," regretted Stu. "We have some lovely parting gifts for you."

As soon as the fanfare died down, Stu turned his attention back to Alex.

"So Alex, how does it feel to be America's teen trash-talker par excellence?"

"Awesome," said Alex.

"Yes, I'm sure it is," said Stu. "Now before we send you off with your college money, we have a surprise for you."

"What kind of surprise?" squirmed Alex, sensing she wasn't going to like it.

"Ladies and gentlemen," introduced Stu. "Please welcome our very special guest, the very first Dirty Dozens Teen Champion, Miss Kimmy Gibbler."

The crowd stood up and filled the studio with deafening applause as the slender brunette with a smug grin walked out onto the stage, waving like Miss America. Stu greeted her with a hug and a kiss on the cheek.

"Good to see you again, Kimmy," greeted Stu.

"You too, Stu," reciprocated Kimmy.

"Ladies and gentlemen," elaborated Stu. "Kimmy was our teen champion three years running, our college champion twice, and the runner-up in our all-time champion face-off. She earned her masters degree in journalism, paying her way through school exclusively with money she won playing the dozens. Kimmy, tell Alex what that means for her."

"You get a chance to step up to me," said Kimmy with a good deal of bravado.

"That's right," confirmed Stu. "Now, you can take your $25,000 scholarship and go home now, or, if you can defeat our reigning champion, we'll double your money. So how about it, Alex?"

Alex pondered as the crowd egged her on.

_You know what, _Alex thought to herself, _I don't care who this chick thinks she is. She doesn't scare me._

"Let's do this!" challenged Alex.

"Word up!" approved Stu. "Now, the format for our face-off is 'Call It and Dis It.' That means one contender calls the category, and her opponent delivers the dozen. Sixty seconds on the clock; whoever gets the last word wins."

Kimmy and Alex took their positions, standing face to face, mere inches apart.

"Ready...set..." said Stu, his voice in slow motion, gradually speeding up until the final signal. "_Dis!"_

"Butt!" called Kimmie.

"Your mama's such a tight-ass, I shoved silver dollar up her [expletive] and got four quarters back. Hair!"

"Yo mama so bald, I saw the glare from her scalp and thought I'd gone to heaven. Stupid!"

"Your mama's so stupid, she asked a serial killer where she get a good bargain on Cap'n Crunch. Poor!"

"Yo mama's so poor, she can't even pay her respects for the dead. Flatulent!"

"Your mama's so gassy, she farted on the Eternal Flame and took out Virginia _and _both the Carolinas. Teeth!"

"Yo mama's teeth so yellow, look like she been chewing on Big Bird. Ugly!"

Just then, both women noticed that the countdown had begun, and Alex got her final dis in just in the nick of time.

"Your mama's so ugly, she kissed the third rail and it went dead!"

Just then the buzzer rang.

"Ladies and gentlemen!" exclaimed Stu amidst the applause. "Alex has taken our grand champion to school, and now has fifty grand to go to school!"

"Congratulations," Kimmy said sportingly, shaking Alex's hand.

"So Alex, now that you're our undisputed teen champion, why don't you send us off?" offered Stu.

"Glad to," said Alex. "Join us tomorrow night as our runners-up compete for a $10,000 second prize, here on The Dirty Dozens, where we talk the [expletive], and we just don't quit! Good night, everybody!"

**End of Championship Round**

_Kimmy Gibbler was a recurring guest, and later a regular character, on the ABC comedy series _Full House, _played by Andrea Barber. I chose her for this story because of her reputation for being rude._

_A few more surprises left in our runners-up round! Stay tuned!_


	5. Runners Up Round

**The Dirty Dozens Teen Tournament**

**By**

**James Doyle**

Runners-up Tournament

"This...is...The Dirty Dozens Teen Tournament," began the announcer as the theme music played. "Now entering the studio are our first-round runners-up."

"A junior at Seaview High School in Malibu, California," said the announcer as the curvy brunette made her way across the stage. "Originally from Crowley Corners, Tennessee, welcome back Miley Stewart."

"A senior at Kennedy High School in Los Angeles, California," said the announcer as the young Latino made his way to the podium, this time having opted for a shirt and tie. "Please welcome Max Lopez."

"And finally, a junior in the Seven Seas High program," introduced the announcer as the attractive farm-girl made her way across the stage. "Originally from Kettlecorn, Kansas, please welcome Bailey Pickett."

"And now," concluded the announcer. "The host of The Dirty Dozens, Stu Dunfy!"

"Thank you so much," greeted Stu, "And welcome to the final round of The Dirty Dozens Teen Tournament, where talkin' trash can get you cash, and those who couldn't swing it, get a second chance to bring it. In this last round, our runners-up from the first round will be competing for our second prize: a $10,000 college scholarship. Let's take a few minutes to get to know our contenstants."

Stu came over to Miley first.

"So Miley, what do you like to do?" asked Stu.

"Well, Stu," informed Miley, "I like to sing, dance, and shop."

"Sound like you're a talented chica," observed Stu. "So what will you do with the prize money if you win?"

"I'm planning to study Music Business at the State College of Santa Barbara," answered Miley. "I'm happy to say my college is paid-for, so I'll be donating the prize money to the United People's Relief College Fund."

"Another good Samaritan!" noted Stu, before moving on to Max.

"So Max, what do you like to do?" asked Stu.

"Let's see," pondered Max. "I like to skateboard, and play video games."

"I'd like to see how that translates to college plans," teased Stu.

"Yeah, I'm not sure what my major will be," volunteered Max, "But I did manage to get into Cal State."

"Not too shabby," approved Stu. "So tell me, how does it feel to be the only homie among all these shorties?"

Max grinned smugly. "Hot chicks to port; hot chicks to starboard," noted Max. "Even if I lose, Stu, I still win!"

"I can't argue with that," said Stu as he moved on to Bailey. "So Bailey, what do you like to do?"

"I'd say I'm pretty well-rounded," answered Bailey. "I like to milk cows, run science experiments, sow grain, and write computer programs."

"Um, I meant, what do you do for fun?" clarified Stu.

"That _is _what I do for fun," said Bailey, with a puzzled look on her face.

"Alrighty, then," reacted Stu. "And what will you do with the prize money if you win?"

"I'm planning to study Pre-Med at Yale," informed Bailey.

"Wow, you don't mess around, do you?" responded Stu.

"Nosireebob," confirmed Bailey.

"Well, enough chit-chat," segued Stu. "Let's play the dozens. Tonight's categories are all wild-cards, with disses specially-selected from our dis pool to test your trash-talking aptitude. The categories are: 'Body', 'Brains', 'Hygiene', 'Modes of Transportation'. Miley, you had the biggest lead over the _loser_..." Stu made the L-sign on his forehead. "...so you're up first."

"I will take 'Modes of Transportation' for one hundred," selected Miley.

"Yo mama drive so crazy..." prompted Stu. "Max."

"Yo mama drive so crazy, she plays chicken with freight-trains," dissed Max.

"And Max starts off strong," declared Stu. "Let's have another category."

"I'll take 'Body' for a hundred, Stu," requested Max.

"Yo mama so short..." read Stu.

Miley rang in. "Yo mama so short, she gets her haircut by walking under a lawnmower," insulted Miley.

"And Miley ties it up," declared Stu. "Another category, please."

"I'll take 'Brains' for one hundred," picked Miley.

"Yo mama so stupid..." prompted Stu. "Bailey."

"Yo mama so stupid, she took off her clothes to order the strip steak," dissed Bailey.

"We're all tied-up, and Bailey has control," noted Stu.

"Let me have 'Modes of Transportation' for two hundred," chose Bailey.

"Yo mama's car so hooptie..." read Stu.

Max rang in. "Yo mama's car so hooptie, she keeps an anchor in the back seat to use as an e-brake."

"Max takes the lead and control of the board," said Stu.

"Let me have 'Brains' for two hundred," requested Max.

"Yo mama so crazy..." started Stu.

Bailey rang in. "Yo mama so crazy, Jason Vorhees took out a restraining order on her."

"And Bailey's tied for the lead," narrated Stu. "But it's still anybody's game. Bailey, you have control."

"I'll take 'Body' for two hundred," asked Bailey.

"For two hundred, and the game," read Stu. "Yo mama's so flat...Miley."

"Yo mama's so flat, she went to a topless beach, and everyone thought she was David Hasselhof."

"And at the end of the round, we have a three-way tie!" announced Stu. "Whoever completes this dozen will win second-place in our tournament and proceed to the bonus round. Everybody ready?"

The contestants nodded in the affirmative.

"Yo mama so ugly..." prompted Stu.

Bailey rang in.

"Bailey," acknowledge Stu. "Need an answer."

"Um..." ventured Bailey. "Yo mama so ugly, she could make the Space Needle go limp."

At that, bells and sirens went off.

"Ladies and gentlemen," declared Stu, "Our second place winner, Bailey Pickett!"

Stu turned to shake the hands of Miley and Max.

"Sorry to see you go," regretted Stu. "We have some lovely parting gifts for you."

As soon as the applause died down, Stu moved things along into the bonus round.

"So, Bailey," continued Stu, "How's it feel to be high school's second best [expletive]-shooter?"

"Kinda weird, actually," Bailey answered honestly.

"Well, how'd you like the chance to be _the _best?" offered Stu.

"Um...sure," accepted Bailey.

"Word up, then!" said Stu. "Say hello our very special guest, our new teen champion, Alex Russo!"

The audience stood up and cheered deafeningly as the attractive Latina walked onto the stage smiling and waving.

"Alright!" said Stu as soon as the applause dies down. "Now, no matter what happens tonight, you'll have at least ten grand for college. But for our bonus round, Alex has agreed to put her title _and _her $25,000 scholarship on the line. That means if you can out-dis Alex, she has to settle for the ten grand. Sound good?"

"Sounds awesome," beamed Bailey.

"Bitchin'!" approved Stu. "Now Alex, I'm gonna give you one last chance to back out, and walk away with your title and your money."

Alex snorted. "Please! This hayseed probably won't even give me a good workout!"

"Ooh, I do believe the gauntlet has been thrown down!" observed Stu. "So let's let the fur fly on the field of dozens!"

The audience cheered once again.

"Here we go," said Stu. "The format for our final battle will be a classic dozens match. No games, no gimmicks, no clock. Dozens in any category are acceptable, first one to flinch wins. Challenger goes first. Are you ready?"

Both girls nodded in the affirmative.

"Ready...set...dozen!"

"Yo mama so fat, the only dozens she does are at the bakery," dissed Bailey

"Yo mama so blind, she had a seeing-eye Ray Charles," dissed Alex.

"Yo mama so old, she jammed with the _original _Peter, Paul, and Mary," dissed Bailey.

"Yo mama so short, she can't even give Papa Smurf a [expletive]," dissed Alex.

"Yo mama so slutty, she thinks the Kama Sutra is a beginners mannual," dissed Bailey.

"Yo mama so funky, she took a walk through Yugoslavia, and all the landmines exploded," insulted Alex.

"Yo mama..." attempted Bailey. "Yo mama...ah, [expletive] it!"

"And there you have it, ladies and gentlemen!" declared Stu. "Alex Russo has successfully defended her title as the undisputed Diva of the Dozens.

"That's right!" boasted Alex, looking over at Bailey. "_That's_ right!"

"That's all the time we have for tonight," concluded Stu. "Join us next week when our show becomes an institution of higher _burning _as we give away even more scholarship money in The Dirty Dozens College Tournament. Peace out, everybody!"

**The End**

_This has been a fun little exercise to keep the creative juices flowing. I think I got the maximum possible mileage out of this gag. Thanks for reading!_


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